i guess i shall make this a short one. i havent updated my blog because ive been busy doing my thing, school, family, yusry and my laptop wont seem to charge but to be honest i dont see myself publicizing my stories so often anymore. i know some people secretly read my blog, its an open journal for the world to see so i dont think i'd hold anything against that. to start off school has been a breeze, trouble here and there but i've been scoring my tests so thats like something new right! i see yusry everyday of the week and its surprising how i never get tired of it (maybe not yet) because i get a different feeling each time i see him. not a bad feeling kind of feeling, its the kind where you feel like you have something or someone worth looking forward to the end of the day. we had seafood with my family a few weeks back, and i attended his cousin's engagement the week before, celebrated our virgin first month at acidbar last friday (which btw was by far the sweetest date i had with him), studied together at esplanade, days when we do nothing but smoke our souls away, dinner at breeks, our whacked out night at wavehouse.. all of that are good mmrs i'd love to bring with me throughout this entirety. well being in love aint cheap lol i finally got my ass employed at desigual after two months!! hip hip hoorah!!! im excited this june, although i'm not really looking forward to my birthday cus i am not expecting yusry to work on the 9th itself but he claims he is. i dont know if that was part of a plan but wtv, i actually am physced to enroll for my drivers' license and to start work pronto! ok, was this post short enough?

Happy birthday saliha!!! This comine june, me and you, will save the world!!! Hehe
Samina mina eh eh waka waka eh eh its time for -

1 October 2011

To Umar Kamal Bahajaj

You are my best friend, I hope you know. You have been ever since we met. It’s already been four years, has it? Goodness time flies. I still love you. With all my heart. The thing is, though, I just don’t have the right to say that anymore. I’m not your girlfriend. I could just tell you that I love you enough to kill for you, it’s just that easy. It may seem like an over-used statement, but I can’t risk losing our friendship.

I want you to know that no matter who you chose to be with in this life, even if it’s not me or anyone like me, I just want you to be happy. To live your life to the fullest.

Mar ji

I'm sitting on my sister's bed staring at my phone.

I love Yusry. Getting to spend time with him is really nice. We made a point yesterday, saying we'd get into a relationship. Even if we both know we're pretty much back at square ONE, it still gives an added sense of appreciation -- that our relationship is able maintain smiles and laughter, and that we like each other to even spend this much uninterrupted time with each other.

Being here at this point of my life with him has resolved some issues in my brain, as well. I don't know if I could ever be completely happy living someplace without the him nearby. The sight of the everyone else disappearing into the distance when he's around, gives me an infinite sense of comfort and satisfaction.

Going away would be so so hard. I don't have anything with me except my phone and pictures of us, and I still feel more at home with him, my friends and my family than I have ever felt in the last few years of my life.

You're allowed to say whatever you want, as long as you understand the stipulation that I can do what I want, and anything that I want to screen, will be screened. But I won't delete, at least not until I private/delete this entire entry. Which might come in a couple of days. And of course, you don't have to say anything anonymous, if you don't want to. Anyways, here's the million dollar question:

What do you honestly think of me?

To Homer

And sometimes it makes me wanna cry.

With love,
yours truly.

2010 April and then 2011 April
Same character, different feelings

Write drunk, edit sober.

I'm not shady, what I write is what I live.

Shaff's 18th @ Orchard hotel.

17 april @ Scarlet.
I love them.

A lot of people point a finger at me and call me an Arab or Philippian , I'd like to take a moment to explain a few things. I am none of the above. I do vibe many things about Arabs, mostly their strong features and distaste for government, but thats about as far as it goes.

I am, and have been for over 18 years, a Malay.

Sidenote. What its all come down to, this is it and Im pretty sad. If youre not, you probably have no soul.

I'm sorry for so much more that i can't talk about but i love you. I'm so done with all of this and all of you so peace out. (Only for a tidbit cause i love love love to lay my business out for all eyes to see YA KNOW)

But i am resigned to this wicked world.

I have been watching Jersey Shore for like months now and I am finally on the third season uh waiting for the fourth and Nicole and Vinny remind me a lot of Yusry and i, totally.

Me and you.

This is the time of the year when school break is coming to an end and suddenly there's so many things to do and you need more time, ah shit school is tmrw and my body clock is screwed, so this is what you call holiday fever hit!

Everyone keeps asking me about my love life. I'm not dating anyone.

I don't know how this relationship or friendship works because honestly I don't know how I work things out and most of the things I have planned out doesn't work.

So i've finally realised what's it like to have a secret kept only to yourself. At least i know i'm not crazy when i believe what seems to be a premonition that has befallen. And for the second time, i'm not crazy. They say even the walls have ears. People have religions. Because of religions, boundaries of truths are built. There are many things that people could have believed but they are compelled not to. Good fences still make good neighbours, but not in this case, i need a good enough soul to truly believe in me and not pretend to believe in me.I'm so tired and my neck aches , i hate to study but i know i can't escape it. How i wish i could say ' When i grow up, i wanna be an MTV junkie" .

I'm excited for April already!!! Love you guys xoxoxo

I still have those nights, sometimes

And I'm still stuck in reverse. Ah life is grand, I'm emailing Yousif whilst he's in UK moving into a full time law firm I'm going to complete this course and leave this ordeal peace I go hard I fight hard I love hard.

Ive been single for the longest time and it finally dawned on me that everyone else is moving along and Im only running in circles. Its time, its already time. Time to give myself a chance to relive the good ol days when all that mattered were family and friends. I gotta quit living in the past.

A couple of years had passed between us, and the subtle differences in him struck me. He didn’t look old, but it was as if his youthful face was giving delicate hints as to the man he would be in ten years, in twenty. It was a nod to the life I may have had.

I have no idea how my sleep schedule has managed to become so screwed up. It was 1am in the morning, and I was still wide awake so I talked to R on facebook. I think that I can attribute that to lack of exercise as well. When I was a kid and I would spend a good 8 or 10 hours a day running around outside and doing stuff, I had no problem going to bed at 9 pm. I don't really see playing outside for 8 to 10 hours a day as a possibility anymore, but, I'm sure I can find a way to spend more time being active than I currently do.

This is my last year ever. This is weird, graduating and all. I'm not even sure if I will be graduating, right now I'm supposed to be preparing for work, but I'm writing in this. This is just an example of how I work. I always do everything at the last minute, that's how it was for my O levels, I was failing up until the last minute, then I busted my life and passed. That's how it is this semester, I'm failing one module, and now I am finally deciding to try. That's how it was that one night in my bed, just random talking about stuff, up until I thought "Sh, this is going to slip by me" So I just did it. I always want everything to be perfect, but I spend so much time thinking about how I can make them perfect, it is too late, and I have to do something half-assed just to get it done.

All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us.

Well, I'm supposed to be an adult now, and I still can't completely figure that one out. But at some point, late at night, near sleep, the ideas and the disagreements sort of dissolve, and you're just left with the people. And people were no different then, as they've always been. And always will be. Young girls get their hearts broken. Men and women suffer alone, over the choices they've made. And young boys, full of confusion... Full of fear... full of love and courage... grow up stealthily in their sleep.

I guess sometimes the ground can shift beneath your feet. Sometimes your footing slips - you stumble. And Sometimes, you grab what's closest to you, and hold on as tight as you can. Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.

Since I've not been seeing anyone since I 'broke up' with Zaki I have found many ways to keep myself busy. This is bad when it comes time to nights and weekends, because I am constantly distracting myself with these little time killers (see current blog entry for an example). It's almost impossible for me to just lie down on my bed and go to sleep. All of this procrastinating and having that nagging thought in the back of my head saying "you should be sleeping for work" makes waking up a miserable process for me. I know that there is a lot to be said for will power, but I just don't have it.

I'm done with Facebook for a while. I just deleted it, but there are so many good pictures on there that I don't want to lose. These next few years of my life is crucial, so the less time that I waste on Facebook, the better.

This might make me sound kind of lame. But how many people do you know that let it all hang out like me? Listening to the Plainsunsets's "Find a way" for the first time again in years has made me incredibly happy. It brings back a lot of memories. I remember standing and waiting for the bus listening to "Up and Go". I remember how cool I used to think screaming in songs was. And this is not one of those "everything was so much better back then" feelings. Because you have no idea how awesome it is to get out of that box. Maybe you do, statistically you don't. It makes everything incredible. But far too often (at least for chronic losers like me) we think about where we went wrong when we look at the past. We don't think about the things we did right. I usually just remember the teenage angst and the longing livejournal posts. In hindsight, I had an amazing teenage experience. And it's shaped me into what I think is an acceptable adult. Despite my shortcomings. Just some thoughts. I'm in a good mood, I hope everyone that was along for the ride that is my past is too.

i guess i shall make this a short one. i havent updated my blog because ive been busy doing my thing, school, family, yusry and my laptop wont seem to charge but to be honest i dont see myself publicizing my stories so often anymore. i know some people secretly read my blog, its an open journal for the world to see so i dont think i'd hold anything against that. to start off school has been a breeze, trouble here and there but i've been scoring my tests so thats like something new right! i see yusry everyday of the week and its surprising how i never get tired of it (maybe not yet) because i get a different feeling each time i see him. not a bad feeling kind of feeling, its the kind where you feel like you have something or someone worth looking forward to the end of the day. we had seafood with my family a few weeks back, and i attended his cousin's engagement the week before, celebrated our virgin first month at acidbar last friday (which btw was by far the sweetest date i had with him), studied together at esplanade, days when we do nothing but smoke our souls away, dinner at breeks, our whacked out night at wavehouse.. all of that are good mmrs i'd love to bring with me throughout this entirety. well being in love aint cheap lol i finally got my ass employed at desigual after two months!! hip hip hoorah!!! im excited this june, although i'm not really looking forward to my birthday cus i am not expecting yusry to work on the 9th itself but he claims he is. i dont know if that was part of a plan but wtv, i actually am physced to enroll for my drivers' license and to start work pronto! ok, was this post short enough?

Happy birthday saliha!!! This comine june, me and you, will save the world!!! Hehe
Samina mina eh eh waka waka eh eh its time for -

1 October 2011

To Umar Kamal Bahajaj

You are my best friend, I hope you know. You have been ever since we met. It’s already been four years, has it? Goodness time flies. I still love you. With all my heart. The thing is, though, I just don’t have the right to say that anymore. I’m not your girlfriend. I could just tell you that I love you enough to kill for you, it’s just that easy. It may seem like an over-used statement, but I can’t risk losing our friendship.

I want you to know that no matter who you chose to be with in this life, even if it’s not me or anyone like me, I just want you to be happy. To live your life to the fullest.

Mar ji

I'm sitting on my sister's bed staring at my phone.

I love Yusry. Getting to spend time with him is really nice. We made a point yesterday, saying we'd get into a relationship. Even if we both know we're pretty much back at square ONE, it still gives an added sense of appreciation -- that our relationship is able maintain smiles and laughter, and that we like each other to even spend this much uninterrupted time with each other.

Being here at this point of my life with him has resolved some issues in my brain, as well. I don't know if I could ever be completely happy living someplace without the him nearby. The sight of the everyone else disappearing into the distance when he's around, gives me an infinite sense of comfort and satisfaction.

Going away would be so so hard. I don't have anything with me except my phone and pictures of us, and I still feel more at home with him, my friends and my family than I have ever felt in the last few years of my life.

You're allowed to say whatever you want, as long as you understand the stipulation that I can do what I want, and anything that I want to screen, will be screened. But I won't delete, at least not until I private/delete this entire entry. Which might come in a couple of days. And of course, you don't have to say anything anonymous, if you don't want to. Anyways, here's the million dollar question:

What do you honestly think of me?

To Homer

And sometimes it makes me wanna cry.

With love,
yours truly.

2010 April and then 2011 April
Same character, different feelings

Write drunk, edit sober.

I'm not shady, what I write is what I live.

Shaff's 18th @ Orchard hotel.

17 april @ Scarlet.
I love them.

A lot of people point a finger at me and call me an Arab or Philippian , I'd like to take a moment to explain a few things. I am none of the above. I do vibe many things about Arabs, mostly their strong features and distaste for government, but thats about as far as it goes.

I am, and have been for over 18 years, a Malay.

Sidenote. What its all come down to, this is it and Im pretty sad. If youre not, you probably have no soul.

I'm sorry for so much more that i can't talk about but i love you. I'm so done with all of this and all of you so peace out. (Only for a tidbit cause i love love love to lay my business out for all eyes to see YA KNOW)

But i am resigned to this wicked world.

I have been watching Jersey Shore for like months now and I am finally on the third season uh waiting for the fourth and Nicole and Vinny remind me a lot of Yusry and i, totally.

Me and you.

This is the time of the year when school break is coming to an end and suddenly there's so many things to do and you need more time, ah shit school is tmrw and my body clock is screwed, so this is what you call holiday fever hit!

Everyone keeps asking me about my love life. I'm not dating anyone.

I don't know how this relationship or friendship works because honestly I don't know how I work things out and most of the things I have planned out doesn't work.

So i've finally realised what's it like to have a secret kept only to yourself. At least i know i'm not crazy when i believe what seems to be a premonition that has befallen. And for the second time, i'm not crazy. They say even the walls have ears. People have religions. Because of religions, boundaries of truths are built. There are many things that people could have believed but they are compelled not to. Good fences still make good neighbours, but not in this case, i need a good enough soul to truly believe in me and not pretend to believe in me.I'm so tired and my neck aches , i hate to study but i know i can't escape it. How i wish i could say ' When i grow up, i wanna be an MTV junkie" .

I'm excited for April already!!! Love you guys xoxoxo

I still have those nights, sometimes

And I'm still stuck in reverse. Ah life is grand, I'm emailing Yousif whilst he's in UK moving into a full time law firm I'm going to complete this course and leave this ordeal peace I go hard I fight hard I love hard.

Ive been single for the longest time and it finally dawned on me that everyone else is moving along and Im only running in circles. Its time, its already time. Time to give myself a chance to relive the good ol days when all that mattered were family and friends. I gotta quit living in the past.

A couple of years had passed between us, and the subtle differences in him struck me. He didn’t look old, but it was as if his youthful face was giving delicate hints as to the man he would be in ten years, in twenty. It was a nod to the life I may have had.

I have no idea how my sleep schedule has managed to become so screwed up. It was 1am in the morning, and I was still wide awake so I talked to R on facebook. I think that I can attribute that to lack of exercise as well. When I was a kid and I would spend a good 8 or 10 hours a day running around outside and doing stuff, I had no problem going to bed at 9 pm. I don't really see playing outside for 8 to 10 hours a day as a possibility anymore, but, I'm sure I can find a way to spend more time being active than I currently do.

This is my last year ever. This is weird, graduating and all. I'm not even sure if I will be graduating, right now I'm supposed to be preparing for work, but I'm writing in this. This is just an example of how I work. I always do everything at the last minute, that's how it was for my O levels, I was failing up until the last minute, then I busted my life and passed. That's how it is this semester, I'm failing one module, and now I am finally deciding to try. That's how it was that one night in my bed, just random talking about stuff, up until I thought "Sh, this is going to slip by me" So I just did it. I always want everything to be perfect, but I spend so much time thinking about how I can make them perfect, it is too late, and I have to do something half-assed just to get it done.

All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us.

Well, I'm supposed to be an adult now, and I still can't completely figure that one out. But at some point, late at night, near sleep, the ideas and the disagreements sort of dissolve, and you're just left with the people. And people were no different then, as they've always been. And always will be. Young girls get their hearts broken. Men and women suffer alone, over the choices they've made. And young boys, full of confusion... Full of fear... full of love and courage... grow up stealthily in their sleep.

I guess sometimes the ground can shift beneath your feet. Sometimes your footing slips - you stumble. And Sometimes, you grab what's closest to you, and hold on as tight as you can. Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.

Since I've not been seeing anyone since I 'broke up' with Zaki I have found many ways to keep myself busy. This is bad when it comes time to nights and weekends, because I am constantly distracting myself with these little time killers (see current blog entry for an example). It's almost impossible for me to just lie down on my bed and go to sleep. All of this procrastinating and having that nagging thought in the back of my head saying "you should be sleeping for work" makes waking up a miserable process for me. I know that there is a lot to be said for will power, but I just don't have it.

I'm done with Facebook for a while. I just deleted it, but there are so many good pictures on there that I don't want to lose. These next few years of my life is crucial, so the less time that I waste on Facebook, the better.

This might make me sound kind of lame. But how many people do you know that let it all hang out like me? Listening to the Plainsunsets's "Find a way" for the first time again in years has made me incredibly happy. It brings back a lot of memories. I remember standing and waiting for the bus listening to "Up and Go". I remember how cool I used to think screaming in songs was. And this is not one of those "everything was so much better back then" feelings. Because you have no idea how awesome it is to get out of that box. Maybe you do, statistically you don't. It makes everything incredible. But far too often (at least for chronic losers like me) we think about where we went wrong when we look at the past. We don't think about the things we did right. I usually just remember the teenage angst and the longing livejournal posts. In hindsight, I had an amazing teenage experience. And it's shaped me into what I think is an acceptable adult. Despite my shortcomings. Just some thoughts. I'm in a good mood, I hope everyone that was along for the ride that is my past is too.